• 3rd December
    2011
  • 03

Too many things are running through my mind.. Losing family is never easy.. Dying makes everyone sad.. But what if that someone isn’t dying, and you’re still losing him anyway.. How would that make you feel? Let me tell you something, letting go of a dying person is easier than letting go of someone who didn’t choose you.. It will always hurt. And I am hurting..

Giving someone a chance, even if you know it wouldn’t work out, is a desperate move. A final attempt to happiness that you will never have. I do not want that.. I believe that I deserve more than that.. So I’m passing up my chance.. Thanks, but no thanks dude.

Watching friends go is sad.. Minan is leaving soon.. Ianne and Dada left already.. Seeing them walk away from where I am standing, makes me think of walking away with them.. But when will I have the courage to make the first step? How can I leave this place? I’m trying to drown myself, be numb and lose consciousness.. I need a break.. I need sleep.. I need peace.

  • 21st August
    2011
  • 21
something for myself: I can’t help but believe that love is just not for some people.

deeperside:

I can’t help but believe that love is just not for some people.

I have seen people fall in love and endured everything through time. But I have seen people fall out of love too.. some of them lasts for a couple of years.. and some, just after a couple of days. It’s tricky, and I know you’d agree that love, no matter how much you work on it.. will always be unpredictable.

I have met Jane last week, and she told me stories about her young self.. and how she let a lot of love pass her by. She was pretty.. still is actually, even at her old age of 46.. She told me tales about how many suitors used to lined up for her attention.. how her 2nd boyfriend brought her in a cheap hotel, and how nervous she was that day.. she told me about Selmo, and his love for her that she turned down because she can’t learn to love him back. She said, Selmo was not easily discouraged and tried again many times.. but still she wasn’t able to love him back. She told me how much she regret letting him go.. and how she can still hear his words after so many years, “I don’t know how to move on from you, Jane. I do not even know if I could still love someone else after you.” I saw Jane took a deep sigh. And across the table, I saw how pain crossed her eyes before saying.. “He’s married now. 3 kids.”

Jane, like almost every girl I know, dreamt of happy endings too.. of loving someone who loves her. She prayed for it to come true and it didn’t. But maybe, love is not for her.. and I can’t help but think that maybe.. love is not for me too.